Well, okay, I guess I've already had "religion" for most of my life, but like many other people, my walk with God has taken a twisting path that has not always involved me staying close to Him. I have, on numerous occasions, decided that I knew better than He did what was best for me and struck out on my own to blaze new trails that may have been interesting but were frequently disastrous!
For the last few years, I have been letting fear and resentment and anger get the best of me and poison my daily life. Rather than turn my worries over to God, I was doing my best to "fix" things myself. You see, those of you who know me know that I am a "fixer." If there is a problem, I am your woman to solve it! I am jokingly called "Human Google" by my sister, and in general, I am remarkably good at figuring out how to handle almost any situation, but as I rather painfully learned over the last few years, "ALMOST" any situation is not the same as "ANY" situation. As much as I like to think I know everything, I don't.
So anyway, after spending about 3 years or so making myself a complete basket case with worry and stress, I had an epiphany about a month ago. I realized that I couldn't fix it. So I stopped trying.
I looked back on the things that had happened and realized that although they were bad, I can't change them. I can't make people go back and undo the awful things they did, and I can't make certain family members decide to be supportive rather than hateful. No matter how hard I try, I also can't be absolutely certain that the person won't come back and try to do some awful thing to me or my family. And for a long time, I let living in this land of uncertainty and lack of control drive me bananas and sap my daily life of joy.
But now I realize that although I can't control any of those things, I CAN change my reaction to them. I can't control the waves, but I can learn to surf.
So, having had this miraculous realization, I decided to stop trying to "fix" everything and let God fix it instead, however He thinks it should be. I stopped right where I was and prayed for Him to forgive me for my selfish, faithless attitude and all the damage that I had caused in the situation, and I turned the whole big hot mess over to Him to do with as He sees fit.
I immediately felt different. It sounds cliche, but it was like this HUGE weight was lifted off my chest, and for the first time in who knows how long, I could breathe again. I feel like myself, finally, and it is WONDERFUL!
I still don't know what is going to happen with everything, but I am daily asking God to give me peace about it. Every day I remind myself that I have to trust that He will give me what I need to handle whatever comes my way, so just to focus on being the best wife, mother and friend I can be and God will take care of the rest.
Stressing about the past and worrying about the future does not take the sorrow out of either one, it just robs the present of its joy. And I happen to really like joy, so I'm now hanging on to today and trusting God for the rest!
So yeah. I got religion. And I'm pretty darn happy about it! : )
