Well, it's finally here. Shiloh is officially "due." As I dealt with the rollercoaster of emotions that hit me after he was born, I was afraid that somehow his due date would be a stressful day or a hard day, or at least an odd day, but it turns out to be just another day. Other than the unbelievable fact that my precious little boy is now 6 weeks old, which is just crazy to me!
I was worried about it because of a variety of crazy and slightly psychotic feelings that I had been struggling with regarding irrational jealousy of other pregnant women who were pregnant and due around the same time as me. I kept watching all of their joyful posts on Facebook as we got closer and closer to their babies being born and thinking, "THAT SHOULD BE ME!!!" All of that joy and fun surrounding the anticipation of this wonderful event, all of the aches and pains at the end of the pregnancy, all of the happiness when the baby is born and they just get to nurse it and cuddle it and go home, I wanted that. Really, really bad.
I wanted to experience the feeling of being able to be excited about my baby being born instead of scared. I wanted to feel the intense pain and joy and sense of satisfaction that accompanies a vaginal delivery, and I wanted to get that experience that I see on all those silly baby shows on TLC when they put the baby on your chest right after it's born, and you just get to hold it and nurse it and cry from the overwhelming happiness. None of these were anything like my birth experiences.
I was fully aware that the jealousy was irrational, but that didn't stop it from festering inside me. At least for awhile. I feel like things are okay now, though. Maybe it is that my hormones are finally stabilizing, or maybe it's the due date being here, but I feel a sense of peace today along with a renewed realization that it doesn't matter how he got here, only that he's here and I should be thankful. And I am SO thankful, I really am. It's nice to be feeling logical again! : )
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
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I can understand. Being 25 weeks pregnant now and already had two very difficult delivers.I'm so scared I won't get the normal experience. I had photographers planned for both my other two to have them quickly rushed out to go straight to the nicu. I fear something is wrong with me that makes it to difficult to have a normal birth. I had to wait days with both my children to really even touch them and can't bear to think that its going to be that way. I know I should be so grateful that everything turned out fine and I AM but I don't want to go through it again. I have followed your blog post and I have to say you did amazing and were such a trooper. I'm so glad Shiloh is healthy and beautiful. Congrats!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the supportive words, Kezia. It really stinks to not be able to hold your baby after they're born, doesn't it? I think that might have been the hardest part... You feel biologically driven to hold them and be close to them, but you have no say or control over when that will happen. It is really hard! I hope and pray that you don't have to go through that this time! Either way, I will pray that your baby ends up okay on the other side... Thanks again!
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