I wonder how long before I stop being afraid to go to sleep. And afraid to wake up. How long until I stop waking up in the middle of the night in a cold terror, shaking Norah and Shiloh gently from sleep just to make sure they are still breathing. How long until I can lay in this room where Riley's soul left his body without my stomach sinking down so low it feels like my chest will cave in from the pressure.
I find myself stepping over or around the spot on the carpet where we did CPR, as if the fact that I can see him laying there helplessly with such clarity means that he is actually still there.
How long will his pale face, with his purple lips and shaded fingernails, that I only saw briefly, overshadow all the time I spent staring at his eyes while they fluttered, dreaming in his sleep, while his cheeks were still rosy and the only thing marring his lips was the little nursing blister I was so proud of. He smiled constantly in his sleep, sometimes even laughed out loud.
Sleeping babies used to be my favorite thing. Now they are the visions of my nightmares. This is my nightmare.
I just want to wake up.
So how am I supposed to sleep?
I don't even know what to say right now, because my heart aches so much for you. I want to tell you everything will be okay, but I know that can't ease the pain you're feeling. You have experienced something all parents fear and dread, and I hate it for you.
ReplyDeleteI hope writing proves to be therapeutic. It's freeing to get all those thoughts eating away at you out in the open. Know that I'm sharing your sadness and your tears right now and praying that peace and time will help you heal. Love you, friend.
Thanks Jenn. Funny, I almost forgot that anyone would be reading this. I just have way to many thoughts that are way too sad and morbid for Facebook. This seemed like a good place to sort of "let it all out." I'm pretty sure that this blog will be a depressing, jumbled mess for a while, because that's pretty much what I am. Thank you for the prayers and the understanding, though. I just feel so very, very lost.
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