A Perfect Moment

I wish I could describe to you the feeling of peace and relief that washed over me the moment they pulled Shiloh out and I heard him cry. Everything for the past week or so had felt like a horrible slow-motion replay of the events that had happened with Norah - events that I had never imagined we would have to go through again. One by one, the same things just kept happening like some kind of bizarre real-life deja vu.

Early contractions? Check. Water breaking? Check. Magnesium Sulfate? Check. Labor stalling? Check. Laying in the hospital in a puddle for an interminable amount of time while I wonder what is going to happen and worry incessently about the baby and get poked every few minutes? Check. Infection setting in? Check. More worrying? Double-check.

The only thing that ended up feeling different was that at first we thought we were going to have a chance to have a "normal" delivery. Then when they said they were going to have to do a c-section, I was terrified on so many levels. Scared for myself and also scared that something would go wrong with the baby, or that he would come out and have trouble like Norah did.

When she came out, she was blue and not breathing or moving at all. Her heart was barely even beating. She had 1 and 5-minute APGAR scores of 1 and 4 respectively. While it makes me sad that I was not awake to witness her birth, I am in a lot of ways relieved that I did not have to be awake when they got her out, because I don't know how well I would have handled the stress of knowing that my baby girl was out, but barely alive.

My brain was so filled with terror as they rolled me back to the c-section this time. I was scared that the epidural would not be working well enough to block the pain. I was scared that when they put the new anesthesia in that I might start shaking uncontrollably like I had earlier (and to tell you the truth, that scared me even more than the thought of the pain), and I was scared that they would get him out and he would not be okay.

But then he cried. As soon as they pulled him out, he cried. And then so did I. Because I was so thankful and so happy. And I still am.